Dear Distressers, (yes that's what I call my fan club)...this is probably my most personal post yet. There will be some humor involved but mostly it's about what the title says. I could've chosen to keep this to myself but my blog and writing is a source of therapy for me and let's face it...real therapy sessions require time and devotion and laying on a couch and retail therapy was getting real expensive!
When did I first know something was wrong? Probably when I had to wait for you at the airport to come and get me. I was excited, I hadn't seen you in five weeks, I was counting down the minutes and seconds to when I would see your car drive up and I can run and give you a hug. While I was waiting I watched a girl wait for her man. I had front row seats and I watched their happy reunion. They were so excited to embrace one another. They wouldn't let each other go, it was slightly vomit worthy. I wondered if we would be like that. Inside I was fuming in anger because I was tired, sleepy and it was late. But once you finally came I did what I do best, I chose to let it go and focus on the weekend. I wanted to spend every second with you and create happy memories and not argue.
The second wind of "thing are not what they seem" was when I asked you when you would come see me next. You did not give me a firm reply, it was very wishy washy and again I ignored it and decided maybe it was my imagination and I was reading too much into it. The third wind was what confirmed my suspicions. We fought, we argued and things were said. I knew it was a turning point. I knew nothing could be taken back now.
...Moments earlier I had sobbed in your arms in the dark of the night of
how I was so sad to leave you in a few days. I had let myself go completely and allowed my emotions get the best of me.
Then how did it all fall apart?
When I came home, I cried. I cried and cried because I knew something was wrong. Neither one of us wanted to talk about it.
I have come to the realization that the truth hurts. It stings in the depths of our hearts to hear the person you fell in love with tell you that one day they stopped feeling the same way. It's like all my life I knew I loved the color black, and then one day I realize that I don't really like black as much as I thought I did. That maybe it's gray or blue I prefer instead. But this is not the same....because with your words I painted a picture in my mind of our future which included a life and a family and a white picket fence, straight down to the soccer mom minivan.
I practiced writing my first name with your last name and even sent you a
doodle of it once. You said you liked it...a lot.
Then how did it all
fall apart?
And now I sit here with a brush in my hand. I have to gather the strength to paint a blank slate all over again.
I would be lying to you and myself if I said I fully forgive you for the false promises and dreams. I am not there yet.
The last perfect memory of us keeps flashing in my mind, we were sitting together by the fire and your friend made a comment about us. He said he wanted what we have. In my head I smiled and I was in awe. But now looking back I wondered if that was life jinxing us. We got "nazared" like one of my friends would say. I can't translate what it means literally but "we got jinxed" is a close definition.
The hardest decision I had to make was to choose to walk away. I chose to walk away instead of getting dragged.
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were."
I am a strong believer of "where there is a will there is a way". If we are meant to be then nothing in this world will stop us from being together. But I know a part of me just says it to pacify myself of the heartache I am experiencing now. I know that with time, the hope will slowly diminish and soon you will be nothing but a distant memory in my past.
"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans".
I think that is a perfect way to sum this all up.
....In the meantime, I need a new hobby. Basketball season is almost over. If Miami beats San Antonio to win the championship again, I will cry and weep. Dear Universe, you've already given me enough lemons to make lemonade for a lifetime, please direct the rest of the lemons to Miami.
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