Move Over Scarlett O'Hara, There Is a New Bell In Town

Hey, did I tell you about the time I almost convinced myself I was going to become a southern bell? 

And by becoming a southern bell I mean how I was going to give up the only life I have known for 20 years and leave behind the family and friends who I grew up with.Seriously, I kid you not, I was preparing myself for this. Now anytime my mom has brought up a suitor from out of town (which is usually 9 times out of 10) she tells me that we (yes she said we) will convince him to move here. I never agreed with that concept of hers. I didn't understand why WE had to convince anyone of anything. I didn't want the "we" combination of my mother and I to decide the future of where I lived. I wanted the the "we" combination of the suitor and I to decide this down the road. But then again 9 times out of 10 in desi culture usually the girl is the one to make these sacrifices.

That being said, I was preparing for a life in the boonies. Let's just say the place I was going was an hour and a half way from any real city and the only major attraction between the city and the boonies was the KIA Motor Plant. You know, the same motor plant you see in the KIA commercial these days? Especially if you are watching CNN. I was quite surprised to see the KIA commercial a few weeks back and even more intrigued because I knew exactly where it was located. 

This town was dominated by Koreans. Why you ask? Because of course once you put a major Korean car factory in a remote town all these Korean restaurants will start popping up. I will never forget the day I stopped loving shrimp tempura rolls because I made the mistake of ordering Japanese food at a Korean restaurant and it was swimming in a pool of some mysterious orange sauce with too much mayo. Ick. And yet I went back there an additional 3 more times just to spite myself. In case you haven't picked up by now, somehow I always forget to speak up for myself when I don't want to do something. But you'll be proud, I ordered Chicken Katsu the second and third time and that was not bad. 

And did I mention that if I wanted to go to the nearest grocery store to pick up a wine bottle opener I would cross over to the next town, which also happened to be in the next state. 

Did we talk about how one time when I visited my almost future residence I was utterly confused by why my iPhone decided to change the time zone on me? For a good 15 minutes I wasn't sure if my phone, or the town, or my own luck was playing tricks on me. I had either gained one hour since I had landed in the Peachy state or lost an hour. This was not the first time I had been there, so why was this happening all of a sudden? 

Did I tell you how main street was literally one street and that's all the town really was? Or how I never really saw any of the neighbors each time I visited this suitor of mine? I'm assuming there were neighbors because there were cars in the parking lot. 

The most important thing of all, did we talk about how the nearest Starbucks was 30 minutes away almost three towns over? 

After all this are you still wondering why on earth I was considering moving to the South to become a Southern Bell?

Well....I don't really have a good answer for that one. I just have the truth.

I was willing to give up civilization and my family to start living a new chapter in my life in a new place with a stranger who I was still getting to know at the time.

I was in my own little world and I thought I could do it and be okay with the transition.

I still think I would be okay with a big move, but maybe to a place where the nearest Starbucks is within a 5-10 minute driving distance and with the right guy of course.

And so the journey continues......

Why Can't We Be Friends?

What do you do when you have to sever friendships with a group of people because they just happened to be your ex's friends? 

It is sad is when your ex's friends are tolerable people, whose company you actually enjoy and just when you have gotten used to having them around....and then the break up happens. 

I have social anxiety and I hate meeting new people. That combination makes me one crazy person when I am out of my comfort zone. Just ask my wonderful friends who have to put up with my constant text messages as I am in these situations, as its happening. Okay, so I can't truly hate new people because I don't know them yet, but I despise the anxiety that consumes  me when I have to make casual conversation with the significant other's circle of friends and I always have to pay special attention to myself and make sure sure I don't make a fool out of myself. I am the one getting judged, and you know its true. You know they have seen girls come and go in their friend's life and if you are me you always wonder in the back of your head, did they like the previous girl better than me? 

One time I had to meet an ex beau's friends, I did not have enough time to prepare myself because I didn't realize it was happening. One other time I had way to much time to think about it and kept giving myself pep talks throughout the day to the point where I was counting down every minute of every hour and consumed a whole pitcher of mojito in a span of one hour. Light bulb moment: Liquid confidence does wonders for you. 

(Side note: I am not an alcoholic - I actually met a new circle of friends without any alcohol once, lol. But seriously, I don't even drink anymore). 

And even though I was nervous of meeting new people, that night happened to my one of my favorite nights and till this day, it still is one of my favorite nights. We all laughed and played go fish (yeah seriously, five grown ups sitting around a table in the backyard playing GO FISH). I remember for a second I just sat there and observed what was going on. These new friends I had just met were either a decade or more older than I was and yet they didn't make it awkward or anything for me made a genuine effort to get to know me, and that meant a lot to me. Especially since the beau was busy slaving away in the kitchen while I fended for myself out there. 

I also remember having an important conversation in my head with myself going over the game of go fish, as this night was happening. "Now is it GO FISH or GOLD FISH?, because I used to play it so long ago I think I used to call out GOLD FISH". I strategically waited for someone else to yell it out first....so I didn't make a complete fool out of myself. It was GO FISH and I won...TWICE. 

......Second story time!

You also observe things about your boyfriend when you are around HIS friends.

You know how in every circle of friends you will always have that douche bag friend? Well in my case I slowly began to realize that my boyfriend at the time happened to be just that, in his group of friends. Of course I would get stuck with the douche. It wouldn't happen any other way. In that same moment I also realized that my boyfriend was THAT guy who will stop a car in the middle of a neighborhood street to go relieve himself because he could not wait the 5 minutes it takes to get to the place were were going to that has bathrooms, with walls and guards and is it less likely that you might get caught of indecent exposure in public. Let's just say I did not let him touch my hand once he got back in the car until he washed his hands and I also doused him with my own supply of antibacterial products I could find in my purse. 

And while we are being completely honest I will admit that my thought process quickly went from "Ew, I am dating that guy?" to "Wait....what does this car full of his friends think of me now and do they wonder if I am okay with carrying on a r-ship with this grown up child?".

P.S I had to go douse myself in antibacterial again after writing that last paragraph because I am still so grossed by that incident.

These were great, and somewhat frightening experiences I have had and I was sad to see some of these people go. I knew we couldn't all stay friends. I mean how would I feel if one of my very good friends decided to remain in touch with an ex of mine? Yeah.....that doesn't rub me the right way. 

So there you go folks...some people come in to your life for a reason, a season, or just because. 

Thanksgiving Blind Date - Desi Style

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. There is just something about the idea of Thanksgiving that I love. This weekend I found out that my dad went through life thinking it was a religious holiday. I had to gather all my strength to not yell at him and then I explained to him that is was NOT a religious holiday. 

A couple of Thanksgivings ago I had the pleasure of being forced to go met a guy in the city that never sleeps. Ok, so when I say "forced" I mean I brought it upon myself, kind of. So a few years ago when I was still in college my parents hatched this plan to get me to talk to this guy living in NYC. Side-note:  Till this day I still don't know exactly where my parents found this guy. He was living here in a bachelor pad with his brothers and a few other guys and apparently my parents thought they had hit the jackpot with him.

I don't remember the minute details that much (perhaps because I chose to forget them once this whole episode was over). However I do remember going to see relatives in New York that Thanksgiving while casually mentioning it to Mr. Cricket (you know, because he LOVED the sport of Cricket) that we are coming up to the city to spend the holidays. He would not leave my alone and suggested we meet, my parents flirted with the idea of a meet and greet and I somehow in that moment forgot that my opinion actually mattered and reluctantly agreed to it. 

So here we are Thanksgiving afternoon and the meet and greet has been arranged. My sisters are pissed at me because they can't come with and we had to put on hold our own plans until this meet and greet was over. I didn't bring any desi clothes with me and much to my mother's dismay I wore jeans, boots and a red sweater  My mother made it a point to give me the longest shawl she could find (as if somehow that shawl would cover up the fact that I was wearing American clothing). My dear brother in law was driving up from NY to come get my sisters and I to spend the rest of the weekend with my cousin and him in their new house. Little did he know when he came to pick us up that there was going to be a detour and he was joining my parents, my aunt and I to this desi restaurant to met Mr. Cricket.I gotta love my brother in law for putting up with all this and not saying a word. For that I will always be thankful to him.

When we got to the restaurant I wasn't allowed to sit next to my brother in law (because god forbid everyone think we were an item). My mom's thinking not mine. Really people? You don't see the ring on his finger and the fact that I am referring to him as BHAI (brother). So I had to sit between my mother and my aunt. Bro in law sat next to my father and across from Mr. Cricket so he could get the 4-1-1 on this dude and get a good read on him.

All I could think of was what could I possibly order off of this desi menu that would be easy to eat and not leave greasy stains on my finger? 

I did not make any conversation with Mr. Cricket. I knew who he was and we had been talking on the phone for a few weeks. But something just happens when you meet a guy for the first time, with an audience of parents and friends, which makes it just awkward. 

You thought going on a blind date was bad enough? Try going to a blind date WITH your parents and HIS family. 

I really don't remember what was said during this meet and greet but something must have happened because a few days later I remember everyone getting excited and the idea of marriage being thrown around. 

So that leads me to the story of how I almost got married......that story for another time.

The Mexican Drug Lord

Let me tell you about my most recent meet and greet with a suitor. It happened just a few weeks ago at a family friend's house. Why at someone else's house you ask? I don't know, this is just how these things happen sometimes.

Okay, so the entire week my mother was bugging me to wear a sari (as usual). Her way of coercing me to do so is to tell me that auntie (the person whose house this would take place at) called specifically to tell me to wear a sari. Sometimes I can't tell if my mother is lying to me to get me to do what she wants or simply telling the truth. But she plays mind games with me and somehow I always cave. 

I decided to wear black. Why not? Black always looks good on everyone. You know how everybody needs to have a LBD (little black dress)? Well the desi version of that is a LBS (long black sari). So I decided to wear my LBS. Well, technically it was my cousin's LBS because remember how I got to fat for my own blouses? So I had to borrow a sari and a blouse from her. Still, what people don't know can't hurt them.

I will admit before going over there I did do a little facebook stalking. I mean I have to right? How else do you get to know someone before you actually met them! That's why facebook was invented. And I'm telling you I can be an excellent facebook stalker...when I need to be. The night before my out of town family was over to celebrate Eid so my cousin, sisters and I were discussing what this dude could possibly be like. My little sister decided he looked like a Mexican Drug Lord (at least from his facebook pics). So we decided to nickname him Mr. Mexican Drug Lord. Hahahaha. 

I will never forget what my cousin told me that night..."Look on the bright side if this doesn't go through at least you can look back this and laugh at the Mexican Drug Lord reference and laugh". And she was right.

So Sunday afternoon rolls around and me and my LBS are ready to get this meet and greet over with. I arrive with my parents and go directly upstairs. My anxiety is kicking in. (Why am i nervous? I have done this a handful of times already). He shows up with his aunt an uncle. Our families talk for a bit and I have already come to the conclusion that I like his aunt and uncle. They seem like nice people who are easy to carry a conversation with. 

Now that the ice has been broken we do into the kitchen to grab some food. I notice that the MDL is eating with a fork. Normally this wouldn't be anything worth mentioning, however in our culture people usually eat with their hands so I was amused to see this play out. And he didn't put much on his plate either. Hmmm....nervous or just not hungry? I on the other hand was really hungry because I had practically starved myself that morning so I could fit into my expandable blouse (lol). 

Afterwards we reconvene in the auntie's living room and she pulls me aside, and not very discretely either. Like as I am stepping into the kitchen for another round of sprite I can hear her calling my name from across the room. She takes me and the MDL outside to the deck and shuts the door and allows us to talk among ourselves so we can "get to know one another". Mind  you it's 40 degrees outside and while he is wearing a sweater over his dress shirt I am left alone in my thinly clothed sari freezing to death. 

As we start talking I really want to say something like "So this is really awkward huh?" but I resist the temptation and he starts talking first (thank god!). He was an easy person to talk too. It wasn't awkward really except he kept asking questions about the house, how long I've lived here....etc". Halfway through his questions I realize he thinks this is my house (lol). I decide to amuse him and when he asks can we take a tour of this house I reply with "Umm...sure why not, it's not my house but i'm sure uncle and auntie won't mind".......

I just showed him the upstairs and downstairs deck and then we resumed back where we started. Far me it from me to try to go downstairs into someone else's bedroom with a stranger (awkward much?).

Oh somewhere in the conversation he started talking about Egypt and how he dislikes people from that country and says they are selfish. I wasn't sure what to say really. One of my heroes is Egypt's Anwar Al-Sadat so I just nodded my head and had the real conversation in my head. 

"Who are you to judge a whole country of people based on your personal experience with one Egyptian?". That's what I was really thinking. Maybe I should have said something else other than "Uh huh...okay?".

Regardless of all that this meet and greet was one of the more normal ones. And just like my cousin had stated earlier, if nothing else, at least I would remember this suitor as the Mexican Drug Lord and have a good laugh. 

In case your are wondering.....in person he did not resemble a drug lord of any kind. 

Missed Connections: You wearing Purple Shirt on AirTran Flight 0078 Me :Smitten at First Glance

Ever seen the “missed connections” section of the newspaper or posted on Craiglist? I have always wondered who was crazy enough to post a "missed connection" in hopes that the person they are seeking would stumble upon the post and answer back.

And then......on one July afternoon for a hot second I became one of those crazies who pondered posting a missed connections ad. And this is where it all started……..

I was so excited, this was the first time I was going to see SRK over the summer. Our prior plans had to be cancelled because he had to fly back to the motherland to visit his father. I am not trying to sound like a crazy psycho insensitive B when I say this, but there went my $200 down the drain for two 1 way tickets I had booked thinking it was a smart idea. My genius idea of that month happened to be to book two 1 way flights were on sale. (Turns out, idea was not so genius. Always buy that $15 trip insurance on these plane tickets from now on!). One airline carrier gave me ½ of my money back. The other one told me I had to spend the amount of the ticket to re-book it. Uh….no thanks!

Okay so here I am on a Friday afternoon making my way to the AirTran counter to print my boarding pass. I am super early because I am super excited to go see Mr. 4 Packs a Day Marlboro. Oh, did I mention he was a heavy smoker too? (Yes, I know what you are thinking…how many febreezes does it take to get the stink of cigarette smoke out of your clothes? NOT ENOUGH  I tell you!).

My flight as at 4:30pm and I got to the counter at 2:15pm. The nice AirTran agent told me the flight scheduled for a 2:59pm departure is not full and there is a T-Storm scheduled for the city I was going to later on the day so he can put me on standby for the earlier flight. Without thinking I was like OKAY WHY NOT! Little did I know in the next 5 minutes I would have an encounter Mr. Handsome.

I raced to the gate and as I was standing in line waiting for my name to be called, there he was my Mr. Handsome. I see a guy next to me and he is wearing a light purple dress shirt with the buttons opened up with a half popped collar and jeans. I decided to forgive him for the popped collar since he was easy on the eyes. From the 10 second stare I gave him I concluded this guy was pretty cute and he’s on the same flight as myself  AND he looked DESI.

I clandestinely tried to scan his boarding pass in his hand to see if I could tell where he was sitting. As I am doing millions of thoughts are going through my mind: “Where is he from?” “ Is he on his way home?” “Is he going to see his girlfriend?”, “Oh god did he just see me staring at him?” “Stop looking at him you are making it too obvious”…

“Is this the line for stanby??”….

Huh? That wasn’t one of my thoughts. Oh...oh  my god he’s asking ME a question. I quickly smile and say YES. 

(I replayed that two second conversation for awhile in my head.)

All of a sudden I heard my name on the loudspeaker and gathered myself, my thoughts and walked to the line and into the airplane. I glanced back but he was nowhere to be found. How did I lose him in a matter of 3 seconds?

As I boarded the plane much to my dismay I landed the MIDDLE seat in the LAST row of the airplane. I decided this was not the time to panic and just go sit down.  The  guy to my right was being nosy and commented on the fact that I was reading "Fifty Shades Darker"....and then he ended up spilling his sprite all over my right leg. 

Yes ...............these things really happen to me.

"I love you....Just Kidding!"

It's probably every girls nightmare to hear the words "just kidding" as part of that sentence from a guy. But what happens when it's the girl saying it to her potential suitor? In a text message nonetheless!

I have have had many "shit why did I just do that" moments in my life. But this is probably one of the most mortifying ones on that list.

So here I am a couple of weeks into communicating with Shahrukh Khan (remember him? The one who couldn't clean his own bathroom on a regular basis but could afford to drop a few K's on a brand new Beamer). Sidenote: I'll take a clean, stain free, lemon scented smelling bathroom and an old beat up car over a dirty bathroom and new Beamer any day!

Anywho, back to my mortifying I love you NOT story.

Here I am texting away a potential love of my life candidate and somewhere between trying to be productive at work, trying to keep an exciting string of text messages going, somewhere between my slippery fingers and the iphone's horrible auto correct feature INSTEAD of typing "I love HOW you ......., I type I LOVE YOU!"

Type....sent...message delivered...mind reads what's been delivered "ghahdfhadf.....I LOVE YOU...sfsgsg..." 

NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I just tell him I loved him? I don't even feel this way!

In a matter of 5 seconds my entire life flashes in front of me and millions of thought bubbles are looming over my head.

What will he think of me? What have I done? This is what happens when you type so fast, Memo to self, ALWAYS proof read before sending any texts from now on!

I am in panic mode. I tell my two best friends at work. They laugh out loud. I try to laugh but all I want to do is cry. They try to tell me it's not THAT bad.....and then they fail at it. 

Of course it's that bad. 

I finally get some courage to type another text message to SRK and say "Whoops...haha..redo? That was a typo. In fact my whole life is full of typos sometimes".

Yes I said that. Go ahead, take my phone away. I am no longer allowed to text any boys ever again.

Dear Allah, Will You Forgive Me?

Since I was old enough to be considered marriage material my mother has told me over and over and OVER again that I can marry anyone I want as long as he and I are from the same country and are the same religion.

More recently one my friends and I had a late night conversation about converting and I awkwardly confessed to her that I wondered if Allah would be mad at me if I converted to a different religion. If starting tomorrow I decided to abandon the religion that I’ve been practicing for 25 years, when I die, would Allah hate me for leaving? Not that I am even thinking about it but still it’s in interesting concept to wonder about sometimes.

Her reaction was if I felt guilty about even thinking about converting, then maybe that’s a clear cut sign that I shouldn’t convert.

We both started bursting out laughing. She was laughing at my fear that Allah is looking down at me and mad because I even thought about the prospect of praying to a different God or Gods. I was laughing because I can’t believe we were actually having this conversation.

It gets better. A few weeks later (on Halloween) as I am approaching my car to go home after dinner with a friend I find a pamphlet on my windshield which looks like a small comic strip book and the title reads “ A Lost Princess”. With drawings and everything. The very last page of the comic strip said “Come home to Jesus Christ”.

Of course this is my luck I thought. Allah is now testing me to see how I would react to this. On the outside I was laughing, on the inside I was secretly worried for a little bit (j/k….yes, no?) what if Allah WAS testing me?

I told my friend this story the next day and again she reiterated; this is a clear sign you should never convert. Oh the irony that is my life.

How this ties into marriage? This led me to wonder if I would ever have the courage to convert to a different religion or even marry someone who was not a Muslim.

What would my mother do? She would probably disown me . No joke.

In case you are wondering, even as I type this somewhere in my mind I am wondering if Allah is watching me and shaking his head in dismay.

(Please forgive me Allah, I was only thinking out loud ...... all those times). 

Sun, Mangoes and a Half Naked Girlfriend

Spring Break in college should be all about going to a sun soaked beach, partying the week away and come Sunday, not remembering a damn thing that happened the past seven days.

Not for this desi girl. Nope. My spring break trip in 2006 consisted of hanging out with my best friend in the sun soaked beaches of South Beach (winning!!) except I also had to bring along my arranged marriage saga of the guy my parents were trying to set me up with at that time.

When the BFF and I booked the trip we were ubber excited because this was our first getaway alone and we wanted to spend it sightseeing, getting fabulous tans and most importantly, be away from our families.

As luck would have it, that semester, I was “talking” to a much older guy (11 years age difference to be exact) we will refer to as Big Papa and trying to figure out if we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. My cousin and his cousin were trying to set us up. Destination Miami also happened to be the city that his cousin was from. Mind you, by the time I got to Miami I hadn’t met Big Papa yet. Somehow by the time I landed in Miami my family and his family was already plotting my spring break demise when they all called me at separate times and insist that I have dinner with Big Papa’s Miami family.

Really? Whyyyyyyyyyy??? That was my reaction.

BFF was all for it since we would get a free meal out of it (which seemed like a real good idea at the time) and she convinced me it’s probably wouldn’t be that bad. Big Papa also called me to personally convince me to do this as a favor to him and I agreed. He said he owed me big time for this. No Shit Sherlock.

(Girls, lesson learned the hard way – whenever a guy calls you up for any favor, don’t just agree to it right off the bat. Know that there will be consequences and a really good story to tell forever).

The dinner was not that bad, we went to a nice authentic desi restaurant. Big Papa’s cousin and his wife and their two (bratty) children picked up the BFF and I from our hotel. It was what happened after dinner and the following day that I will remember for the rest of my life.

After dinner the family decided that they would take my friend and I over to their Miami residence for a tour because at dinner we accidently expressed how much we love mangos. They have a mango tree and all sorts of fruit garden growing in their backyard so why not take a tour of the garden at 11:00pm at night when it’s dark outside?

Thought that was the last  I would have to see and make polite conversation with my maybe in-laws. Boy was I wrong.

The next day the BFF and I decided it was a nice day to lay out by the beach in the back of our hotel and get a little tanning done. She and I headed outside and I took my phone but was surprised to get a missed call and voicemail from the cousin from last night. Big Papa’s cousin and his wife were stopping by our hotel any minute to drop off some mangoes for my friend and I. I should have been delighted at the thoughtful gesture but the only thing I could think of was how inappropriately the BFF and I were dressed trying to get our tan on.

I frantically ran upstairs to put some decent clothes on and hoping that they would not come through the lobby and see me practically half naked running upstairs. I made it up to change and come down just in time to see them waiting for me with a box of mangoes.

(What I am to do with a box full on mangoes on vacation?)

They also asked to see my BFF because they were so impressed with meeting her the other night. Dare I tell that if they make their way around the back of the hotel to the beach they can find sun bathing with nothing on.  In my mind I was secretly praying that BFF doesn't make her grand entrance right now and hoping she enjoys a little more of the sun until these people leave.

I graciously thanked Big Papa’s cousins for the mangoes and secretly wanted to kill everyone in my family for coercing me to agree to this dinner and especially Big Papa who was away from all this but he was the main reason I agreed to this meet and greet and the reason why I as having major anxiety attacks right now.

Needless to say I came home with a suitcase full of mangoes and my mother’s only reaction/worry was why I looked so black “like the bottom of a tea kettle” (her words not mine). How will anyone want to marry me know that I’m fifty shades darker.

I guess I should have told her about our half naked adventures and she would have another thing to worry about. 

Roses are Red, Desi Girl is Blue

3:20pm. February 14, 2011

Is it sad that I can remember the first time I got sent Valentine's Day flowers from a guy?

I remember getting a call from the front desk at work on Valentine's Day asking me to pick up a delivery.

Come again Ms. Receptionist? Me? Why? I didn't order anything!

It's funny how even as I was opening the box from 1-800-FLOWERS I couldn't believe these were for me. I read the 1 line card over and over again thinking my name was a typo. Simply because this does not happen to me.

I even saved the card that came along with it in my wallet for a long time.

I was on cloud 9. They were sent to me from what I thought at that time to be the perfect thoughtful boyfriend....until fast forward eight months later he broke up with me via phone AFTER I WAS THE ONE THAT CALLED HIM.

(Yes in case you are keeping track, I have a "thing" for long distance relationships)

Girls, I cannot stretch this enough...hindsight is always 20/20. Now I can say with confidence I'm so glad it didn't workout between Mr. Valentine and I.

In the event that this relationship dis work out, I would have to explain to my parents why our children don't speak an ounce of my mother tongue and why our children are so "healthy" aka fat.

Yes, I thought about that too. If I became Mrs. Valentine my kids would be NYC slick speaking little fatties who would have a hard time squeezing through the doors on the subway navigating through the city that never sleeps.

C'mon I know you've all imagined what your children would look like with a guy you were seeing at one point another. So no judging.

The moral of this story is embrace those small moments and know that certain gestures come with the relationship. It's too be expected.

P.S I do I don't carry that card in my wallet these days. I ran it threw a shredder a few days after the awkward phone break up.

How Far Will You Go?

You know as a girl there have been times where you will do ALMOST anything to impress a guy?

Here's a short list of my antics:

1. Once watched the entire world series on tv to impress guy of the moment. The relationship didn't last long but at least now I know I hate the Yankees but Derek Jeter is kind of cute.

2. Forced myself to watch a boxing match with a rowdy Queens NY crowd, which seemed like it lasted the entire night. It's a good thing I had some liquid courage to be able to survive through it. Thank you four rounds of cranberry martinis.

3. Learned how to cook. At least now I know I CAN cook and someone someday will be a very fat man thanks to my cooking skills.

4.Went to not ONE but TWO baseball games and sat through all NINE innings. This was not with guy from #1 scenario. Nope readers, I did not learn my lesson the first time around, this was a few years later. All I got out of it was a really a really bad farmer's tan and now I know for sure that I will never be a baseball fan.

5. Watched another round of boxing match with a different suitor. Why do I keep repeating the same mistakes twice? And to make it worse there was no liquid courage this time around. 

6. As a once upon a time immature drinker I decided to order what all the experience drinkers had and got myself a vodka tonic. Again, what the hell was I thinking? These guys were much more experienced with alcohol than myself. I could barely see straight but at least I was able to survive a night of dancing because I thought my intoxicated self could bust a move (oh I was SO wrong).

Go ahead laugh.

C/mon girls, I know I am not the only who has tried to impress a guy before. Fess up!!!

Until next time! 

These Words Are Not My Own

I thought it would be fun to let my readers in on some things I've heard over the years from guys.

Yes, these words have actually been uttered to yours truly once upon a time by potential suitors  (or their mothers). Next to it are my thought bubbles in that moment in time.

1. Are you an AMREEKAN (American) Citizen? (Really? I've heard this said on Bollywood films and soap operas but I never thought I would experience this in real life)

2. I want a baseball team of kids. (And I want a 10 karat engagement ring but we don't always get what we want)

***Those of you who do not follow America's favorite  pastime, that is 9 kids total

3. Since you work for a non-profit organization does that mean your pay is non-profit too? (FOB translation:  Does your job pay you or do you work for free?)

4. I will not let my girlfriend/wife/fiancee go on vacation alone or with friends, she might cheat on me. (Trust  issues much?)

5. If we get married you will be my second wife (Excuse me?)

6. I was once married to a prostitute (Thank you for clarifying #5 for me and how do you feel about STD tests?)

7. I am bipolar (Oh god, that explains so much now!)

8. My mother has a thing against lawyers. (Oh, I guess that will be an issue when we file for divorce)

9. Last night I was driving on the NJ Turnpike and I thought I saw an alien in sky (...CLICK...the sound of me hanging up the phone).

10. Are you a virgin? (Why are you not?)

Saturday Night Blues

I am quite ashamed to say that my mother got into my head over the weekend. I had the lovely pleasure of going to a family friend's grown daughter's 17th birthday party on Saturday  Why this particular 17 year old needed to have a birthday party with her family and her family friends beats me. What happened to celebrating with your friends? According to my sister it was just an excuse to get presents. I might have to agree with her on that.

I was feeling a little down on Friday so I decided Saturday would serve as my "cheer up" day where I would dress up in a sari (since this was a desi event) and be happy no matter what the evening brought on. Now, in reality the only reason I decided to wear a sari is because my shalwar kameezs' have become too snug due the constant eating of my worries away of finding an appropriate suitor and a black sari just seemed like the appropriate color 
choice. 

These are the things that I witnessed throughout my two and a half hours of torture while sitting at a table watching people around me in action:

At any single desi event from a wedding to a simple housewarming event, all desi women will use this as an excuse to dress up. Like REALLY dress up; with their MAC makeup done, glamorous saris with big jewelry to compliment their style. I'm not making fun of this, I am merely stating the obvious because yours truly has been guilty of this way of dressing at desi functions since the day I discovered foundation and big jewelry.

Back to the 'Sweet 17 Party"......

My sister and I quietly sit down at one of the tables. Upon our arrival an obnoxious lady I will call Auntie Mother of Four  decided to announce to the whole room that my sister and I look bored out of our minds (really? It's a 25 and 23 year old in a room full of under 17 or over 40 crowd, what else would we look like?).

The scariest part of all is that Auntie Mother of Four drags me to the front of the room to take a picture with her and the birthday girl. According to her I was wearing such a fabulous sari that it just had to be photographed. My sari was not that glamorous  I was wearing a black sari in mourning of a proposal that was rejected by the guy's side just a day earlier and to cover up my now expanded tummy. 

By this time I am double mortified because not only does everyone in the room know exactly how bored I am, but also because Auntie Mother of Four is notorious for putting up all of her pictures on facebook. So now I have to worry about being in an unwanted picture that will be displayed on facebook for all strangers to see. Great. Just what I needed.

I'm sure your asking why couldn't I have just asked Auntie Mother of Four to keep me out of her facebook pics, or why couldn't I simply ask my mother to get involved so I wouldn't need to take the picture to begin with? Nope, this is not to be done in desi culture, because simply don't understand what "No, thanks" means. They would have taken it as an insult because to them I would be refusing to take a picture with them and that's just a big fat insult. 

So if anyone comes across any party pics from the night of November 3rd on facebook where a brown girl in a black sari looks mortified to be there, please tell me and also be very glad you didn't have to go through this yourself.

I haven't even gotten to the best part of the night. So there I am eating my boredom away at dinner and I happen to sit across the table from an older looking aunty and a younger looking aunty. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but they are being so loud and sitting right across from me so I didn't really count it as eavesdropping. 

Old aunty wants a bride for her 30 year old son. Young aunty is trying to persuade her to consider a girl she knows in her family. I myself am wondering old aunty doesn't realize that there is a single 25 year old in a black sari sitting across from her with lots of potential.

.....AND THEN IT HITS ME. My mother has gotten into my head. If she was sitting at this table she would have thought about me and here I am trying to sell myself to this old lady in my own head. That was the second time I was mortified Saturday night and deeply ashamed in myself. The first moment came when I was getting my food and stuffing myself because I was so bored and I needed to feel happy, and food did that for me. 

So there you have it folks, when you go through enough "proposals" for marriages, you start thinking about yourself anytime anyone brings up marriage and potential desi single guys.

The Nine Month Curse

Okay, it's not what you think. No one is popping out anything at the end of those nine months.

What I'm referring to is quite depressing. I don't know if I should be proud (i'm not) of the fact that I have a 9 month curse with guys. It seems with any relationship, in or around the ninth month things
start to fall apart.

I have never made it to the 1 year mark with anyone - unless you count my therapist (LOL insert a snide remark then realize this isn't funny it's actually the truth).

I remember walking into my therapist's office one November day and realizing that today marks the one year of when we started these sessions to discuss the soap opera that is my life.

To save myself from embarrassment I decided it would be best not to tell him that I was secretly keeping track of how many sessions we've had and that today was our year anniversary. Or else we'd probably
start the next session discussing why I am celebrating this pathetic milestone.

(Now you're probably wondering which anniversary we are celebrating this November - answer to come later).

Oh by the way.... did I mention how my therapist is also a guy AND desi AND in his early 30's? Yup, I am not making this up. The first time I walked into his office I wanted to walk right  back out because the universe was playing joke. How can I discuss my DESI GUY problems with a DESI GUY?

Back to guys. I came to the conclusion that I have a pattern for all guys in my life. That once it hits the 9 month mark I should be on alert for a breakup coming up. 

.......That was until I met Shahrukh Khan and THAT only lasted 5 months. So there goes any attempt to create a ground breaking "theory" behind my so called nine month curse. Thank you very much Mr. Khan for debunking that. Not only did you end things in a cliffhanger way, in that "we will discuss this later" tone and forgot to call me back, but you also rained on my parade from being able to establish my own theory and curse. 

(It's been over a month and "later" hasn't happened yet on his watch, but don't worry this distressed desi isn't holding out any hope). 

Back to square one.

P.S. Turns out my therapist and I never got to celebrate our 2nd year anniversary. Nope. Somewhere between the 1 year and seven month mark he preceded to tell me I will need to find a new therapist because he will be moving to Tennessee.

I should have been sad. But I wasn't. I decided to accept this as another way of life telling me that in my particular life, all good things must eventually come to an end.

Woo Her With Lysol

You know you've lowered your standards in guys when you're 25, have been searching for what seems like an eternity, AND when you're willing to clean his bathroom.  My last beau, who I'll refer to as Shahrukh Khan, had 99 problems and a nasty bathroom was one of them.

We had a long distance relationship, but would often visit each other.  The first time I spent the night at his place I admit I had a mini panic attack.  No, I didn't forget to take the pill.  It was far worse...I walked into his bathroom.  You had to see it, but since you didn't, let me try my best to explain it: If you listened closely, you could hear germs throwing a rave party while high on ecstasy.  I walked out.  I contemplated driving to Wal-Mart and buying cleaning products, but Shahrukh drove a stick shift.  I have enough trouble driving an automatic.  

Eventually I caved because my bladder wouldn't cooperate and peeing on myself would ensure no subsequent dates.  Don't worry though, I did the whole squat-and-pee.  Then I walked into his room and woke him up to complain to him about his unsanitary living conditions. Hindsight is 20/20.  I think he would've found me more attractive had I soiled myself.  Let's just say that he didn't agree with me, nor did he enjoy being awoken to a nagging girlfriend.  Lucky for me, if I can't use his bathroom to get clean, he can't use me to get dirty.  Once he came to this realization, he drove me to Wal-Mart. That day I cleaned his entire bathroom and did his laundry while at it.  How he didn't consider me a keeper after that I have no idea.  My friends say it was the nagging.  I think they secretly have dirty bathrooms and are offended.