I Promise This Is Not A Sermon

Seeing as though how it is Ramadan, I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the idea of moving on and letting go of past resentment.

Recently I found out that my first boyfriend has a three month old child now. Going along with the theme of how small this world is, I came to know that my aunt had dinner at his house a few months ago. He was the one I ran into at the festival back in January and he was with his wife. Turns out my aunt's best friend is someone who related to his wife and that is how my aunt and her family ended up at their house for dinner.

The first thought that came to my mind was I cannot believe he is a father. Then I took some time to think about it. I figured maybe this is life's way of showing him what a meaningful experience it can be to have a daughter and raise her and perhaps it will teach him a thing or two about respecting girls. I hope he is a better father than he ever was a boyfriend or a man in general. I understand my opinion about him will always be a little biased given our past history but I truly do hope that having a child will change his ways (as I have always heard bringing a child into this world can change people in ways they never knew). Baby girl Ayza, I wish you all the best in life.

And it took me almost two years to finally let go of the resentment I felt toward Mr. NYC for breaking up with me. I finally understand why it wasn't meant to be. It caught me off guard when it happened because it was so sudden. And in the past two years when a random text or a birthday wish would come along I would find myself writing back a snide comment here and there.  I rememeber one specific incident last year he texted me while I was boarding a flight to visit my friend in Ohio. I don't recall the exact context of the exchange but he jokingly asked me to bring back a shotglass souvineer from Ohio (because that was our thing, he has a shotglass collection and I always added to his collection if I went somewhere), but I retaliated with something along the lines of go book a flight to the midwest and get it yourself. He took it very well, didn't stoop down to my level and just let me have my moment.

It's a liberating feeling being able to let go of something and see someone for who they are. Don't get me wrong, he is an ass on some levels, but at least now I know we can't be together. Because going back to that relationship would mean sleepless nights for me and a constant push and pull of are we or aren't we together? Because let me tell you, the weekend we had that exclusive talk, I was up all night not knowing where his head was. The next morning I had a 5K Breast Cancer Walk to run. Looking back now this is so sad, but the most exciting moment was that morning after the run during brunch when he finally decided to respond to my email. But you get my drift right? A relationship should not be this much hard work, neither person should be pulling teeth or laying awake in the middle of the night wondering what the hell is going on.

He is not great boyfriend material but he is a fun person to hangout with. Granted I can only take him in doses. He doesn't know it but I have forgiven him, or maybe internally I have forgiven myself for holding on to the anger and resentment. It was more of a disappointment of what wasn't then the idea of wanting to be together.

And maybe even today when I talk about him people will wonder if I have lingering feelings or an itch for something that once was. But truth be told, as much as we exchange awkward text messages, bicker back and forth, and put each other in our places....if we were in a relationship and doing that - he would drive me nuts. And I already have enough sleeping problems as is.

Sometimes you just have to let go in order to continue living. Afterall, the world didn't stop moving after each heartbreak. It was me who stopped spinning while everyone else continued their lives.

From time to time my cousin sends me links and reminders to help me motivate myself in my everyday life and today I shall leave you with a quote from one of her links:

"Every moment is a choice, and every day is a consequence of all the choices you have made. To achieve different consequences, make different choices"