Serendipity

My new favorite word is "serendipity" - According to google and wikipedia (because that's where everyone should get their information from) the meaning of the serendipity is: a "happy accident" or "pleasant surprise"; specifically, the accident of finding something good or useful while not specifically searching for it.

In the movie Serendipity John Cusak searches for Kate Beckinsale meet each other, only to part ways. He writes his name and number on a $5 bill and she writes her name and number on the inside cover of a book. According to Beckinsale, if they are mean to be, she will find the $5 with his information and he will find the book with hers. Something to that extent and the rest of the movie they try to find each other.

Is serendipty for real? Does it happen to everyone?

I will admit that I wished that something like that would happen to me, what girl wouldn't want that right? Imagine walking into a starbucks only wanting coffee but having a chance encounter with your soulmate. But those things only happen in movies right? As shitty as my luck is - the closeset to serendipty I get is walking into a crowded room and running into an ex and a guy I screwed over. How is that even serendipity you ask?

Well, it's not, it's the quite opposite - that's how shitty my luck is when it comes to the matters of the heart.

I remember posing this question to an ex-flame. I asked him if he believed in fate/destiny. And he said no. Like there was no thinking required, just a flat out "No". He said he believed in practicality instead.

Okay, Mr. Practicality - I never said I DIDN'T believe in being practical. But can't you beleive in both? I do think a person can be practical yet observe the right to believe in a greater power such as fate and or destiny.

That should have been my clue to end it with Mr. Practicality, yet it continued on for a few more months. You know the guy who couldn't wait to relieve himself and just did his business on the street?

Sigh. Maybe that's why I am still single - because I am still waiting for serendipity to happen to me.

Afterall if fate has something else in store, I guess I'll just sit and watch while destiny takes full control of my life :-)

Ghosts Of Boyfriends Past

The universe hates me. My New Year's Resolution this year was to part ways with the past and move forward towards a new future. Dear Universe, how is a girl supposed to accomplish this when you put her face to face with toxic people from her past on day 5 of 2013?

So here I am on another Saturday night, and against my better judgment I found myself at a desi cultural event with my aunt, her kids and the the ghosts of ex-boyfriends past.

I don't usually want to go to these cultural gatherings where there is food and jewelry for sale and musical entertainment. However tonight I was home all alone with no plans. So when my aunt called me up and asked if I wanted to go I said yes. I think even she was surprised that  I agreed to go with them.

Within 15 minutes I had to get ready to be picked up. I decided I wanted Nikki Minaj type bright magenta lipstick. I chose my outfit from that. I tried on three shalwar kameezs before I decided red was more my color. I quickly took off the pink and put red lipstick over it. I figured it could work. My hair wasn't done in any particular manner. It was up in a bun all day long so I put it down and ran brush through it. After all who would I possibly run into at this gathering that mattered? As I was touching up my makeup from 5 hours ago I looked at my eyebrows and thought jeez, I guess I should have gotten them done earlier today when I had the chance. Oh well. No biggie. Not like there would be any one worth impressing.

Fast forward to the event. As I am walking into this community center I half wonder if my ex-boyfriend from 3 years ago would be there. I met him once at this very event when we first starting going out. He has a wife now and if she is in this country maybe this is the kind of even they would both be at. None of this went through my head as I was getting ready to come here. However as I am walking in these thoughts are going through my head, when suddenly.....there he is to my left............with a girl next to him.

My stomach turned inside out and upside down and I was shocked. I didn't know how to react or what to do with myself. By now 10 seconds had passed and he has seen me, although I tried to do a 180 turn so my back would be towards him but really how long could I keep this up? I turn myself around and there he was. We never made any direct eye contact but at times  I could feel eyes starring at me. 

A little history lesson: I dated this guy for almost a year, it was a horrible relationship and took me 9 months to figure out he was wrong for me. He never told me he was getting married and was seeing girls behind my back. Went overseas got a wife, and that was the end of that. If life could give us a delete button for relationships, this would be my delete option. It was also my first real heartbreak.

To make matters worse my aunt's friend seemed to know the ex's wife. They spent the entire time together. I disappeared in the bathroom for a little bit, touched up my make up, lipstick and checked myself to make sure I looked a little better than how I was picturing myself to look like. In my head I thought I looked like a disheveled girl. 

Doesn't every girl wonder what it would be like if you ever have the unfortunate pleasure of running into your ex? You KNOW you want to look your best so he can look at you and think of what he's missing out on. Last night I finally understood what Carrie Bradshaw was talking about in that one episode of Sex and the City when she was freaking out about running into Aiden after their breakup. I get why Carrie was such a hot mess.

You try looking normal in a room full of brown people while really on the inside you are a hot mess. All you really wanna do is go to a corner and cry (because your embarrassed of the way you look, not because he's with another girl). But all you can do is stay calm and cool and pretend everything is normal.

At one point I saw the wife sitting alone without the asshole. For a brief second I contemplated going up to her. But what would I say? Hi, I am your husband's ex-girlfriend? I am the girl he left to go off and marry you. And at one point he actually texted me after you guys got married to tell he how horrible the sex was (no joke!). 

I wanted to tell her I can relate to you. I WAS you a few years ago. He probably emotionally abuses you and makes you think everything is your fault. I feel sorry for you because you have to deal with him and his crazy mother. That is one messed up family you married into. And you probably had to no say in it. 

And yet I didn't say anything.  I just walked away from her and them and continued on with my evening. Which was about to get more interesting.

As if running into your ex-bf wasn't bad enough an hour later when I had finally calmed myself down I was roaming the crowded halls of this community center I recognized a face I hadn't seen in almost a year. Here was another guy from my past. But he wasn't a boyfriend from a past relationship. This guy was someone I met last year who I was trying to get to know. I told myself I needed to expand my brown circle of friends and through a series of communications we started talking. We had met for coffee and cheesecake once. We were going to go to dinner however I cancelled the last minute. You see, that particular day my friend was trying to convince to come see her in Baltimore and spend the weekend with her. I was sold. It didn't take much to convince me. It was an easy choice, spend an evening with a stranger or one of my best friends? Helllo friend of course!

I caught him on gchat and 5 hours before we were set to met for dinner I told him I could not make it, that my friend needed my help and I needed to to Baltimore. 

Here he was approaching me. I tried to look away but it was too late. He was the one who came up to me. I smiled and said hi. What else is a girl to do? We spoke and I felt the need to apologize again for my rude behavior for cancelling on dinner. He said it was no big deal but I knew he was judging me. He remembered exactly why I cancelled on him. Turns out he was here at this event helping a friend who was running this show. Before we parted ways I felt the need to say "Listen, I know you may not believe me but we should really get some coffee or something, and I promise I won't flake this time". He smiled and said okay. 

He was probably laughing in his head thinking $10 bucks she won't follow through this time. I felt bad. Like really bad. This was a good guy. He did not seem like the type who wanted to get to know a girl just to get in her pants. I always meant to make other plans with him. But one thing led to another and I never really got around to it. I have a friend who till this day scolds me for cancelling on dinner with him. 

So maybe I am a flake sometimes.

I picked up what was left of my self-worth and headed towards the bathroom again. I noticed my red lipstick had faded back to pink lipstick and this time I really noticed my eyebrows.

Dear god, why didn't I get my eyebrows done when I had the chance!

As I exited the bathroom I ran into a family friend. She asked me where my mother was and I told her she was visiting the motherland.

"Oh, to find you a husband?"........

She caught me off guard. What was I supposed to say to that?

So I guess at 25 years old this is what my life has come to on Saturday nights.

Running into people who have screwed you and the ones you screwed over. 

Memo to self: Always dress to impress. You never know who you will end up running into.

I Now Pronounce You Mr. and Mrs......

Remember how I mentioned a few posts back about the time I came close to getting married?

Let's discuss that moment, shall we? It was December of 2007 or 2008. Can't recall if it was my sophomore or junior year of college. Nonetheless, I was still in college at the time.

After one miserable failed attempt at trying to marry me off to a guy who was a decade plus one year older than I, the parental unit decided this time the will try a new approach. I to this day don't recall how they found this dude or more important - why I agreed to all this.

This has to do with Mr. Cricket. That character I discussed in a previous post in reference to that Thanksgiving blind date. That's the nickname my friends and I gave him. I think for awhile the ringtone for him on my phone was the chirping crickets. Lol. I can't believe I did that.

I don't remember actually saying "YES mom and dad I will marry this person who I only met twice, who doesn't have job and the only stable thing in his life is that he plays cricket on Sunday afternoons in a park in Queens, NY with all the other neighborhood desis". I was trying to imagine myself married and living in NY, and trying to get used to sunday afternoon cricket matches. 

Would I be expected to go and watch? Which would kill me first, trying to understand the sport of Cricket or living in a city with a man I hardly knew?

Oh....and did we mention how his student visa was expiring in two months so he would need to do something to stay in the country? 

All this was kind of happening right around me and next thing you know my friends and I were even talking about it and planning out a wedding. MY WEDDING.

I remember conversations at Coldstones about what color to wear at my engagement, maybe a fuscia color lehenga or even orange? None of this was sinking in for me at all. It felt like I was watching a movie or a soap opera while it was happening to someone else.

I can't recall if Mr. Cricket and I had any conversations about the thoughts of spending the rest of our lives together. It felt like my parents and his older brother was stirring the ship along and he and I were just passengers on this dysfunctional cruise.

I think the moment it started to sink in was during a private conversation between two of my friends and I at a Taco Bell late one night. We are discussing if I was going to get engaged only or having a nikkah done actually getting married). I remember them trying to scare me about the idea of consummating the marriage after the nikkah. I remember being terrified at the thought of having to consummate a marriage with a man I had only known for 2 months. Ew, no way in hell that's gonna happen. 

Memo to self: Have a very uncomfortable conversation with my mother about the "logistics" of this nikkah business.

I remember my parents telling my grandparents and relatives back home about the possibility of a marriage coming up really soon. 

And it all fell apart as quickly as it had happened. I can't remember who was the first to say no to this marriage. All I remember is a phone call between my dad and Mr. Cricket's brother. I could tell my dad was upset and angry all at once.

And then I remember experiencing the one real emotion in the span of the last 2 months. Sadness.

I was upset. I couldn't put it into words exactly. Was I sad at the idea of not getting married to a stranger? I think so.

You see, no matter how much I felt like this was a movie and someone else was the bride, deep down inside I was getting excited at the idea of my wedding. And when that bubble popped I felt like I woke up from a dream that seemed so real. 

And I'm not even embarrassed to admit that I was upset. Sure, I had no genuine feeling for this guy, but when you yourself start to believe something everyone around you is telling you, it's natural to feel a little blue when it all falls apart.

Thank You For Stalking Me

My little sister is back home from college and one night as we were both Facebook stalking people she asked me if I wanted to find out who has been recently "checking out" my profile. Or in her words, "Do you wanna know whose been Facebook stalking you?". Apparently she knew how to look up and see views your page the most....i.e.. stalk you on a daily basis.

I laughed in her face and told her I don't believe in these hoaxes and not to mess with my mood....andthen somehow my curiosity got the best of me and 5 minutes later we are both looking at whose been looking at my page.

Low and behold I see that The Mexican Drug Lord has been checking my Facebook page in the last few days. I know, maybe I shouldn't be complaining because I was the one who decided to accept his friend request. But I am going to complain anyways.

I don't look at his Facebook page on a regular basis, so why is he perusing my page on the regular?

I take that back, too be more specific, I don't even allow his updates to show up on my news feed. That is how much I do not want to know what is going on with him. So it irritates me even more that he would view my profile.

Yes, I know what you are thinking, why even remain friends with him? Wouldn't it be better to just defriend him?

Yeah, it probably would. But sometimes I can be a friend hoarder on Facebook and it is hard for me to delete people off of my list. That is unless you and I are no longer together - that is cause for an IMMEDIATE DELETE if you know what I mean. 

Let me go off on a tangent if I may - why do some guys insist on privatizing you after a break up. C'mon dude, you and I are no longer together and you really had to go out of your way to create a new "group" just for me so you could privatize everything so I can't see whose been writing on your wall and where you've been? Listen up smart guy - wouldn't have it been a lot easier to just defriend me? But no, the coward wouldn't even do that. He wanted to remain my "friend" and see exactly what I was up to while keeping himself on the DL to me.

(I'm talking to you Mr. I Smoke A Pack A Day!)

Well I wasn't going to tolerate any of that. 

DELETE DELETE DELETE. 

Anyways back to my Facebook stalker. Yes I am that complicated and it bothers me that this kid who I only met once is checking out my profile on a daily basis. I guess I should just delete him.

....Maybe tomorrow.

This Is The Very Reason I Will Go To Hell....

A new nights ago I had a very intriguing conversation with one of my dearest friends. I am half ashamed to even write about it, but I've since convinced myself it was worth an entry. Mostly because we are all guilty of this kind of talk. 

Let me give you some background: A few months ago on trip to the Midwest  I had met someone who I sarcastically named my so-called "Indian Soul mate . He is really easy in the eyes, nice and had had the perfect fobby accent. He could speak for hours and I wouldn't care that I couldn't understand some of the words or that they sounded funny because as long as he was eye candy, he could just smile with no talking and I would be okay. I think the moment I laid eyes on him I started singing  the "I'll stop the world and melt with you" song.

A few days ago when I went to go visit my friend in the Midwest she told me my eye candy was no longer available - that he had done what most desi guys (and girls) may eventually do when their most recent relationship does not work out - - - - fly halfway across the world to met someone whom they met on an online marriage. And get engaged to them after only spending roughly 5 hours with them in total, in person, from first meeting to engagement. 

(we can discuss this topic another time because I have some opinions on this matter)

At first my heart broke into a billion little pieces for a mere 5 minutes but as soon as I realized that my fantasy dream no longer had the slightest change of becoming reality, I snapped back to Earth. This feeling was slightly reminiscent of the same why I felt when I found out Michael Buble got married. Sure, I KNEW there was no chance I would marry him so he could sing me to sleep, but a girl CAN dream. 

I knew that it would never work out with my "Indian Soul mate" unless miraculously he became a Muslim or I converted to Hinduism. In all likelihood  there was a bigger chance of pigs flying before either one of us converted. Oh and there is one more tiny factor. This guy has no idea I had a crush on him. 

Okay - so fast forward to saturday night's dinner conversation. My friend tells me that I really need to see a picture of Eyecandy's fiancee. When I ask my friend if this girl is pretty all I get is "She looks like a nice girl". That did not answer my question. I finally got her to admit that the future Mrs. Eyecandy is an ugly girl. Most people would not find her attractive but I'm sure she is a nice girl. My friend adds "You two would make beautiful babies" - "YES" I chimed in, "we would make beautiful babies". I believe she even at one point said something like "It's not official, they are only engaged....". LOL that comment made us both burst into laughter. 

Who are we to judge if Mr. and Mrs. Eyecandy's babies would be ugly or not? Why am I sitting here judging a girl who is halfway around the world, based on little information I know about her? Why am I sitting here telling my friend that there is a 50/50 change this marriage may or may not work. Did I become a therapist overnight which gives me right to put an expiration date on a marriage that hasn't happened yet? 

I am pretty sure our waitress at the restaurant thought we were the two most shallow and judgmental girls she had come across. I wouldn't blame her. If I overheard this conversation  I would think the same thing.

I think we are all guilty of this kind of thinking. You know you've done it before. You hear about a relationship or a marriage and you automatically think - why them? What would ever posses them to get together.  None of us likes this part of us. 

And that folks, is why I am going to hell. 

MAYBE  my New  Year's Resolution should be to stop hating on people. 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy for Mr. Eyecandy - he deserves to be happy. I only hope for the sake of their children that Mrs. Eyecandy is not as ugly as I am imagining her to be. I never got to see a picture of her. Maybe next time I'm in the Midwest I'll be able to meet her in person and judge her all over again.